I wish some of my students were as interested in their work as they are in my appearance. Each year, it seems that some feel they must comment on the way I look, often in a complimentary way, but occasionally with suggestions for improvement. This year, Grace seems particularly concerned that my hair is not as full and luxurious as she prefers.
On a bus ride home from visiting the State University College at Plattsburgh
Me: So how was the food today?
Blanche: It was scrumptious.
Me: Scrumptious?
Blanche: Scrumptious.
Me: I thought it was delectable.
Judith: What does that mean?
Me: The same thing as "scrumptious."
Grace (trying to fluff my rain-dampened hair from the seat behind me): You really need to add some volume to your hair.
Me: Judith, is she petting me?
Judith: I'm not sure.
Me: Jeez, Grace! My hair was a lot bigger before it got rained on!
Grace: I know. It's all right. I'm just trying to do what I can do.
Me: Hmmm.
Next day, as I sit at my computer before class begins
Grace (suddenly appearing behind me): So you didn't take my advice, I see.
Me: What advice?
Grace (as she pulls my hair back and fluffs it gently): About giving your hair some volume.
Me: I have a feeling you want me to spend more time on my hair than I'm willing to.
Grace (still fluffing, but more vigorously): Nope. You just need to work on it a little.
Me: I'll get right on that mousse, okay?
Grace: That's all I'm saying. A little mousse.
Me: If I get mousse, will you stay awake during class?
Grace: I can't promise that. You're not boring. It's just that your voice is so soothing . . .
Me (in a studiously low, soothing tone): O, Grrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaccccccce. I will trrrryyyy to give my hair volllllluuuuuummmmme if you try to stay awaaaaaaaaake. Deal?
Grace: Hmmm. Okay.
15 October 2008
Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain.
As I try to use an LCD projector for the first time in three years . . .
Me (muttering to myself): . . . so this plug goes here, and then I have to . . .
Elizabeth: Miss Huth?
Me (on my knees under a table): Uh huh? Hang on. I have to plug this in.
Katherine: Um . . . Miss?
Blanche: Are you sure that goes there?
Me: Yes. Absolutely. Of course.
Katherine: But the light isn't on, and the computer monitor is blinking.
Me: Yup. S'posed to do that.
Katherine: Hmmm. I don't think so.
Me (tightening connections): There. Right?
Katherine: Oh. Yup. It's stopped blinking.
Elizabeth: So why isn't the projector light coming on?
Blanche: I mean, the light is supposed to be on.
Me: Um, I know.
Blanche: I'm just sayin'.
Sara: She's fine! She'll get it!
Me: Thank you, Sara. I appreciate your support. And may I just say that if I had had access to an LCD projector during the last three years, I would have this new one set up in no time. It's lack of practice.
Katherine: Do you want me to get Mr. G.?
Me: Mr. G.? Ha! I can do this myself!
Elizabeth (under her breath): Yeah, maybe by the end of the class . . .
Me: Hey! I'm right here!
Elizabeth: I mean, I have great faith in your ability to make this thing project onto the screen.
Me: That's better. Thank you. And look, that's the little button to turn it on.
Thomas: So . . . there's no light.
Me: And your point?
Thomas: Well, there's supposed to be light.
Me: Thank you. Yes. I know.
(Elizabeth, Blanche, Sara, Katherine and several others posit theories on why there is no light.)
Katherine (cautiously, after several minutes): Um, did you turn on the main switch?
Me: What?
Katherine: The main switch on the side of the cart.
Me: What swi . . . ? Man. No. Jeez.
(Blanche flips the switch and the projector shoots out a beam of light partly onto the wall but mostly onto the ceiling.)
Me: May I just say that I do know how to use technology? I mean, I do have an iPhone . . .
Sara: It's okay, Miss Huth. We know it's been a while.
Blanche (patiently): So now we have to lower the projector so it projects onto the screen, not the ceiling. See? You have to unscrew these little legs in front . . .
Me (heavy sigh): Oy. So this is what I've become. . . Look, I at least know how to do that.
Katherine: It's okay. We know. Now let's look at that SUNY Plattsburgh website, okay?
Me (muttering to myself): . . . so this plug goes here, and then I have to . . .
Elizabeth: Miss Huth?
Me (on my knees under a table): Uh huh? Hang on. I have to plug this in.
Katherine: Um . . . Miss?
Blanche: Are you sure that goes there?
Me: Yes. Absolutely. Of course.
Katherine: But the light isn't on, and the computer monitor is blinking.
Me: Yup. S'posed to do that.
Katherine: Hmmm. I don't think so.
Me (tightening connections): There. Right?
Katherine: Oh. Yup. It's stopped blinking.
Elizabeth: So why isn't the projector light coming on?
Blanche: I mean, the light is supposed to be on.
Me: Um, I know.
Blanche: I'm just sayin'.
Sara: She's fine! She'll get it!
Me: Thank you, Sara. I appreciate your support. And may I just say that if I had had access to an LCD projector during the last three years, I would have this new one set up in no time. It's lack of practice.
Katherine: Do you want me to get Mr. G.?
Me: Mr. G.? Ha! I can do this myself!
Elizabeth (under her breath): Yeah, maybe by the end of the class . . .
Me: Hey! I'm right here!
Elizabeth: I mean, I have great faith in your ability to make this thing project onto the screen.
Me: That's better. Thank you. And look, that's the little button to turn it on.
Thomas: So . . . there's no light.
Me: And your point?
Thomas: Well, there's supposed to be light.
Me: Thank you. Yes. I know.
(Elizabeth, Blanche, Sara, Katherine and several others posit theories on why there is no light.)
Katherine (cautiously, after several minutes): Um, did you turn on the main switch?
Me: What?
Katherine: The main switch on the side of the cart.
Me: What swi . . . ? Man. No. Jeez.
(Blanche flips the switch and the projector shoots out a beam of light partly onto the wall but mostly onto the ceiling.)
Me: May I just say that I do know how to use technology? I mean, I do have an iPhone . . .
Sara: It's okay, Miss Huth. We know it's been a while.
Blanche (patiently): So now we have to lower the projector so it projects onto the screen, not the ceiling. See? You have to unscrew these little legs in front . . .
Me (heavy sigh): Oy. So this is what I've become. . . Look, I at least know how to do that.
Katherine: It's okay. We know. Now let's look at that SUNY Plattsburgh website, okay?
10 October 2008
Kentucky road trip essentials: GPS, sandwiches, and twenty-three 17-year-olds to share the driving
Some of my students have a hard time visiting colleges they might want to attend, so I provide them with opportunities to visit five or six different colleges over the course of the year. On Wednesday, we visited the State University of New York at Cobleskill, a great ag and tech college fairly close to home. Many of my students have attended Cobleskill over the last few years, and I am always impressed by the care the admissions staff takes with my students.
Today, I began class by asking my students what they thought of the school.
Me: So is anyone going to apply to SUNY Cobleskill?
Katherine and Douglas: It smelled like cows/It was just like a petting zoo.
Me: Really? What trip did you two go on?? And, by the way, that doesn't answer the question I asked.
(Rest of class murmurs agreement.)
Katherine: Well, it did smell like cows. And there were cows there.
Me: Uh huh . . . So how about we hear from someone who liked the college?
Katherine: But I did like it! It was peaceful, too, and I know I could get some work done.
Me: Oh. Okay. Traditionally, if you mention that a place smells like cows, most people don't take that as a positive. . . . so what else did you like about the campus? The programs?
Grace: The coffee was delectable.
Me: Really? Delectable? Wow.
Grace: Yes. Delectable. But the ice-cream was mad fake.
Me: Okay. Food quality is certainly one thing to consider when applying to colleges, but what about the possible majors? Or what the EOP director was telling you about?
Blanche: The dorm room was mad small.
Me: Actually, it's pretty large for a college dorm.
Blanche: Miss? I'm definitely applying, though. I really liked it.
Katherine: Me, too.
James: We should take a trip to that college with the free tuition.
Me: Hmmm. The one in Kentucky? That's an overnight.
Amanda: Yeah! We should do that!
Me: Honestly, the idea of doing an overnight trip gives me chills . . .
Thomas: Miss? What are you saying? That you don't have faith in us?
Me: No, I actually have great faith in you, but I'm also a realist.
Me: Besides, that would be an expensive trip.
James: Naw, Miss, you can drive, and we'll pack food to eat.
Thomas: Yeah, and I"ll bring the GPS!
Amanda: We could take turns driving!
Me: O, good lord!
James: And we'll just drive through the night.
Michelle: Yup. We need to get on planning this right now. We can leave on some Friday.
Me: Hmmm. And when you say "we" you mean "me" (pointing to myself), right?
Michelle: Well, yeah.
Thomas: Hey! I got you covered with the GPS!
Today, I began class by asking my students what they thought of the school.
Me: So is anyone going to apply to SUNY Cobleskill?
Katherine and Douglas: It smelled like cows/It was just like a petting zoo.
Me: Really? What trip did you two go on?? And, by the way, that doesn't answer the question I asked.
(Rest of class murmurs agreement.)
Katherine: Well, it did smell like cows. And there were cows there.
Me: Uh huh . . . So how about we hear from someone who liked the college?
Katherine: But I did like it! It was peaceful, too, and I know I could get some work done.
Me: Oh. Okay. Traditionally, if you mention that a place smells like cows, most people don't take that as a positive. . . . so what else did you like about the campus? The programs?
Grace: The coffee was delectable.
Me: Really? Delectable? Wow.
Grace: Yes. Delectable. But the ice-cream was mad fake.
Me: Okay. Food quality is certainly one thing to consider when applying to colleges, but what about the possible majors? Or what the EOP director was telling you about?
Blanche: The dorm room was mad small.
Me: Actually, it's pretty large for a college dorm.
Blanche: Miss? I'm definitely applying, though. I really liked it.
Katherine: Me, too.
James: We should take a trip to that college with the free tuition.
Me: Hmmm. The one in Kentucky? That's an overnight.
Amanda: Yeah! We should do that!
Me: Honestly, the idea of doing an overnight trip gives me chills . . .
Thomas: Miss? What are you saying? That you don't have faith in us?
Me: No, I actually have great faith in you, but I'm also a realist.
(Class laughs knowingly.)
Me: Besides, that would be an expensive trip.
James: Naw, Miss, you can drive, and we'll pack food to eat.
Thomas: Yeah, and I"ll bring the GPS!
Amanda: We could take turns driving!
Me: O, good lord!
James: And we'll just drive through the night.
Michelle: Yup. We need to get on planning this right now. We can leave on some Friday.
Me: Hmmm. And when you say "we" you mean "me" (pointing to myself), right?
Michelle: Well, yeah.
Thomas: Hey! I got you covered with the GPS!
07 October 2008
Study halls said to breed OCD in some, slovenliness in others, study reveals
It is a rare and lucky teacher who has a classroom all to herself. At least at the secondary level, all of us, share classrooms. Granted, I am one of the lucky ones who teaches all of my classes in the same room; therefore, the room I'm in is considered to be mine. However, the reality is that at least four of us use the same room for various classes and study halls throughout each day.
Unfortunately, study halls are notoriously messy things; the teacher in charge is usually bored, and so are the students. Things happen to rooms during study halls that would not happen during an academic class (we hope). If, god forbid, a substitute is in charge of the study hall, there is no telling what damage might occur.
Today was a case in point. When I returned to my classroom after a study hall had used it, I found the following:
1. Nine pens under a student's desk. I mean, nine pens. They all work. I tried them. And then I put them in my pen can.
2. Two balled up and dirty kleenexes on the chair at my desk.
3. A half-empty seltzer bottle at my computer.
4. A graphing calculator.
5. A travel mug
6. My other chair on the opposite side of the room
7. Two newspapers spread out over five desks
8. A picture of genitalia in black Sharpie on one of my desks
9. My pile of New York Times articles divided into two piles scattered over a table.
And so I spent the first two minutes of my class cleaning up the study hall mess. Oy. If only study halls were useful things used for, I dunno, studying perhaps.
Unfortunately, study halls are notoriously messy things; the teacher in charge is usually bored, and so are the students. Things happen to rooms during study halls that would not happen during an academic class (we hope). If, god forbid, a substitute is in charge of the study hall, there is no telling what damage might occur.
Today was a case in point. When I returned to my classroom after a study hall had used it, I found the following:
1. Nine pens under a student's desk. I mean, nine pens. They all work. I tried them. And then I put them in my pen can.
2. Two balled up and dirty kleenexes on the chair at my desk.
3. A half-empty seltzer bottle at my computer.
4. A graphing calculator.
5. A travel mug
6. My other chair on the opposite side of the room
7. Two newspapers spread out over five desks
8. A picture of genitalia in black Sharpie on one of my desks
9. My pile of New York Times articles divided into two piles scattered over a table.
And so I spent the first two minutes of my class cleaning up the study hall mess. Oy. If only study halls were useful things used for, I dunno, studying perhaps.
24 September 2008
Directives from the ceiling, stars in the closet and feet on the ground
(A voice from the ceiling interrupts a lively discussion of how to improve college application essays)
Disembodied voice: If you are assigned in-school suspension and walk out, you'll be suspended for two days. Some of you are going to ISS without being assigned, and if that happens you will get two days' suspension as well. You must be accompanied by a parent when you return, or you will be escorted off school property . . .
Me: Who goes to in-school without being assigned??
Grace: I know, right?
Disembodied voice: . . . you will not be allowed to return to school.
Donald: So much for talking about going to college . . .
(Later)
Me: So I'm recommending that you check out AdmissionsAdvice.com to confirm what I've been telling you about your college application essays. You really need to make sure that they communicate some aspect of who you are that your grades and test scores won't show. We'll continue working on your rough drafts tomorrow. Any questions?
Alyssa (waving her hand in the air): Clay Aikens is gay! He came out yesterday.
Disembodied voice: If you are assigned in-school suspension and walk out, you'll be suspended for two days. Some of you are going to ISS without being assigned, and if that happens you will get two days' suspension as well. You must be accompanied by a parent when you return, or you will be escorted off school property . . .
Me: Who goes to in-school without being assigned??
Grace: I know, right?
Disembodied voice: . . . you will not be allowed to return to school.
Donald: So much for talking about going to college . . .
(Later)
Me: So I'm recommending that you check out AdmissionsAdvice.com to confirm what I've been telling you about your college application essays. You really need to make sure that they communicate some aspect of who you are that your grades and test scores won't show. We'll continue working on your rough drafts tomorrow. Any questions?
Alyssa (waving her hand in the air): Clay Aikens is gay! He came out yesterday.
Me: Alyssa, um, I don't think I actually called on you. And I don't think this has anything to do with college application essays . . . so . . . What??
Alyssa: And Lindsay Lohan has a girlfriend.
Me (to Jessica, as I point to my forehead): Is that frown line back? The one that happens when I'm confused?
Jessica: Oh yeah.
Me: Just checking. Alyssa, I'm very happy for them all.
Charles: And back to the discussion of our essays . . .
(Even later . . . )
Me: So how many of you got an idea for your essay from the brainstorming activity?
(Two hands go up out of 24)
Me: So how many of you wrote your brainstorming thing vertically, like a list?
Charles: Vertically? Um, I wrote complete sentences.
Amanda: Me, too.
Samantha: Yeah.
Katherine: Yup. Complete sentences.
Me: What? How many of you did your brainstorming in complete sentences?
(22 out of 24 hands go up)
Me: Why? I told you specifically that it should NOT be complete sentences, that you should just write whatever pops into your mind related to the topic.
Charles: That's just the way we roll.
Me: Oy. Yes, I am rolling my eyes at you, Charles. Let me get this straight. I tell you NOT to write complete sentences, and you do. If I tell you I WANT complete sentences, I get little bitty fragments with no punctuation. Huh??
Jacob: I think that's the way our minds work. We want to do the opposite of what people tell us to do.
Anna: Miss? I think it's because we have messy lives so we naturally try to put them in order, in sentences.
Me: I think I'll go with what Anna said, if you don't mind.
Alyssa: And Lindsay Lohan has a girlfriend.
Me (to Jessica, as I point to my forehead): Is that frown line back? The one that happens when I'm confused?
Jessica: Oh yeah.
Me: Just checking. Alyssa, I'm very happy for them all.
Charles: And back to the discussion of our essays . . .
(Even later . . . )
Me: So how many of you got an idea for your essay from the brainstorming activity?
(Two hands go up out of 24)
Me: So how many of you wrote your brainstorming thing vertically, like a list?
Charles: Vertically? Um, I wrote complete sentences.
Amanda: Me, too.
Samantha: Yeah.
Katherine: Yup. Complete sentences.
Me: What? How many of you did your brainstorming in complete sentences?
(22 out of 24 hands go up)
Me: Why? I told you specifically that it should NOT be complete sentences, that you should just write whatever pops into your mind related to the topic.
Charles: That's just the way we roll.
Me: Oy. Yes, I am rolling my eyes at you, Charles. Let me get this straight. I tell you NOT to write complete sentences, and you do. If I tell you I WANT complete sentences, I get little bitty fragments with no punctuation. Huh??
Jacob: I think that's the way our minds work. We want to do the opposite of what people tell us to do.
Anna: Miss? I think it's because we have messy lives so we naturally try to put them in order, in sentences.
Me: I think I'll go with what Anna said, if you don't mind.
23 September 2008
Teacher punishment: Fire drills. Student punishment: Reading the New York Times
(Fire alarm rings as the class is two paragraphs into a four-page New York Times article about Berea College, a Kentucky college that provides free tuition to its low-income students )
Various student voices: Oh, thank goodness! About time! Woo hoo!
Me: Hey! I'm right here!
James: We're too tired to suck up right now.
Me: Hmmm. Too bad.
(Later, the fire drill over, the article read and written about)
Me: So did anyone write that they'd be interested in going to Berea?
Darren: I wouldn't go there. The education isn't good.
Me: The article doesn't discuss that, but why do you think this?
Darren: If the education is free, then it can't be worth anything.
Me: So. If I gave you a Jaguar, you'd turn it down?
Darren: What?
Me: If I gave you a fancy car like a Jaguar, you'd turn it down because it wouldn't be worth anything?
Darren: No, that doesn't make sense.
Me: Exactly. The Jag still costs a lot of money and is valuable, but I'm giving it to you. I'm just not making you pay for it. The free tuition is a gift to you. Just because it's a gift and doesn't cost you anything doesn't mean it's not valuable.
Darren: Ohhh. I guess. That makes sense.
Me: That's why I get the big bucks.
John (quietly to Donald ): You know, I bet she does.
Me: Only some days . . .
(In the hall)
Student: Did you hear about that fire last night?
Other student: Yeah! I heard the sirens!
Student: It was on my street. Man, seeing that house burn was hot!
(As the New York Times articles are being distributed)
Audrey: Miss? Are we reading New York Times articles as punishment? You said that last year's class had to read these after they lost all your books.
Me: Of course not! You haven't lost my books yet, so this is fun, not punishment.
Various student voices: Oh, thank goodness! About time! Woo hoo!
Me: Hey! I'm right here!
James: We're too tired to suck up right now.
Me: Hmmm. Too bad.
(Later, the fire drill over, the article read and written about)
Me: So did anyone write that they'd be interested in going to Berea?
Darren: I wouldn't go there. The education isn't good.
Me: The article doesn't discuss that, but why do you think this?
Darren: If the education is free, then it can't be worth anything.
Me: So. If I gave you a Jaguar, you'd turn it down?
Darren: What?
Me: If I gave you a fancy car like a Jaguar, you'd turn it down because it wouldn't be worth anything?
Darren: No, that doesn't make sense.
Me: Exactly. The Jag still costs a lot of money and is valuable, but I'm giving it to you. I'm just not making you pay for it. The free tuition is a gift to you. Just because it's a gift and doesn't cost you anything doesn't mean it's not valuable.
Darren: Ohhh. I guess. That makes sense.
Me: That's why I get the big bucks.
John (quietly to Donald ): You know, I bet she does.
Me: Only some days . . .
(In the hall)
Student: Did you hear about that fire last night?
Other student: Yeah! I heard the sirens!
Student: It was on my street. Man, seeing that house burn was hot!
(As the New York Times articles are being distributed)
Audrey: Miss? Are we reading New York Times articles as punishment? You said that last year's class had to read these after they lost all your books.
Me: Of course not! You haven't lost my books yet, so this is fun, not punishment.
17 September 2008
And other skills to file under "miscellaneous"
(During the last two minutes of the day, as Gerald takes his do-rag and snaps it in the air like a wet towel)
Monique (laughing): Do it again!
Gerald (as he obliges): Why are you laughing?
Monique: I don't know! I want to learn that!
Me (watching enthralled as the do-rag cracks in the air): Geez, Gerald. That's pretty good. Notice, however, the very wide clearance we've given you.
Gerald: Oh yeah. Don't worry. I practice a lot.
Me: I believe it. Nevertheless, I think we'll all stand back a ways . . .
Monique (still laughing): Man, I want to try that!
Gerald (as he coaches her on the proper technique): And then you snap your arm back like that.
Monique (as her attempt results in a mere rustle of nylon in the air): I need to practice, I guess.
Me (as Gerald now displays variations--snapping it ceiling-ward and floor-ward alternately): So this needs a name. What do you call it?
James: Do-rag whipping.
Me: That's pretty good.
Gerald (thinking for a second): Do-rag ninja.
Me (et al., laughing in agreement): That's perfect!
Monique: Now you need to do this on YouTube!
Darren: Hey! You should include this on your resume!
Me (head in hands as others enthusiastically agree): Oy. Perhaps not. We'll see . . .
Bell rings.
Monique (laughing): Do it again!
Gerald (as he obliges): Why are you laughing?
Monique: I don't know! I want to learn that!
Me (watching enthralled as the do-rag cracks in the air): Geez, Gerald. That's pretty good. Notice, however, the very wide clearance we've given you.
Gerald: Oh yeah. Don't worry. I practice a lot.
Me: I believe it. Nevertheless, I think we'll all stand back a ways . . .
Monique (still laughing): Man, I want to try that!
Gerald (as he coaches her on the proper technique): And then you snap your arm back like that.
Monique (as her attempt results in a mere rustle of nylon in the air): I need to practice, I guess.
Me (as Gerald now displays variations--snapping it ceiling-ward and floor-ward alternately): So this needs a name. What do you call it?
James: Do-rag whipping.
Me: That's pretty good.
Gerald (thinking for a second): Do-rag ninja.
Me (et al., laughing in agreement): That's perfect!
Monique: Now you need to do this on YouTube!
Darren: Hey! You should include this on your resume!
Me (head in hands as others enthusiastically agree): Oy. Perhaps not. We'll see . . .
Bell rings.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)