The appropriate time to discuss the zombie apocalypse is after I've had a second cup of coffee.

John: Miss? I can't wait for the zombie apocalypse!

Me: Well, John, even though I'm tempted to ask why, instead I'm going to redirect your attention to your research project.

John: Miss! But the zombie apocalypse is gonna be great! All those zombies crawling all over everything, falling apart all disgusting-like. Eyeballs flopping out. I keep hoping it'll happen, and now I bet it does. I can't wait!

Me: Sigh. First, there would be nothing great about a zombie apocalypse. Second, it's impossible. Third, you're supposed to be researching Galileo. Finally, it's wrong to discuss the zombie apocalypse at 8:07 in the morning.

John: Miss? Why don't you just say, "Get back to work!"?

Me: It's more fun my way.

John: So, back to the zombie apocalypse. I can't wait! I'm going to have all this food stored up, and computers, and I'll have weapons stashed all over . . .

Me (interrupting): If you're really going to insist on discussing this, then do it the right way. You need to consider what type of zombies you'll be dealing with. If they're slow-moving zombies like in Night of the Living Dead, you'd be all set with just a bat. Something to whack them in the head with. If they're really fast, like in 28 Days Later, you'd better have something else, like guns, so you can whack them from farther away. If there is a zombie apocalypse, you can't count on having electricity to run a computer. Besides, you'll be too busy fighting zombies to be on Facebook. Now, don't forget to consider whether your zombies are made from a virus, radiation or interplanetary interference. And whether you could become a zombie from a bite, or whether it's transmitted via body fluids. These are important things to take into account.

Silence.

Me: What?

John (shaking head):You might be more interested in zombies than I am.

Me: Hmm. Perhaps. But even though my knowledge of zombies would help keep me safe in the event of a zombie apocalypse, I would never hope for one.

John: I guess you're right, Miss. If it happens, it happens. In the meantime, though, I think I have some more movies to watch.

Your eyes work better when they're not dangling on your chest.

(As we're writing rough drafts of an essay, John sneezes loudly.)

John: Oh, hey! Somebody better bless me right now or the devil will climb into my soul!

Class: Bless you!

John: My aunt taught me that. And did you know that if you held your eyes open and sneezed, it would blow your eyes right out of your head? My science teacher from last year told me that.

Me: Um, really? Hmmm. I'm not sure that's really accurate.

John: No, it's true.

(Michael nods vigorously.)

Me: Sigh. Okay. So let's try to find an example from the book to prove this point . . .

John: What? You don't believe me? I'll prove it.

Michael: Oh, I heard that, too. It's true. There was a show on the Discovery Channel about it.

Me: Um, okay. So, your topic sentence is good but . . .

John: It would look just like this:

John takes his lime-green earbuds from around his neck, positions the right one over his right eye and the left one over his left eye, pauses, and 

John: ACHOO!

John flings his earbuds from his eyes and rolls his head back and forth so the earbuds flop from his eye sockets, like tiny green eyeballs dangling by their roots.

Me: Ewwwww! Whoa. Thanks for that, John.

John: You're very welcome, Miss. But see? That's just what would happen, so it's a really good thing to keep your eyes shut when you sneeze.

Me: I don't think I have any choice, but thanks so much for the lesson. Please keep me posted on anything else I should know, okay?

John: Oh, I will.

So now I have a LOOK . . .

(As students work on laptops creating a survival show in the style of The Hunger Games but set in a European country of their choice.)

Me (looking over John's shoulder): That’s good. Austria was a good choice. You’ve learned about the climate and terrain. How are you using this to develop your show?

John: Um, the contestants have to climb mountains.

Me: Okay. How many contestants?

John: 200.

Me: Um, 200 is a lot.

John (quickly): Okay. 20.

Me: Better. Okay, you’re in good shape. Make your rules and objective a bit more specific. Let me know if you need help.

(Later)

Me: So, John, I'm wondering what Megan Fox has to do with your game.


John (quickly minimizing his googled Megan Fox images screen): She’s going to be in the game. I decided my game will be like those celebrity reality shows.

Me: Um, okay. It’s still got to be set in Austria in the mountains, though.

John (slowly): Right . . .

Me: No, really, you have to stick with Austria. You don't have enough time to switch countries right now. Also, you probably can't have Megan Fox climbing mountains in a bathing suit.

(George snorts.)

John: Um, she won’t.

(George snorts again.)
  
Me: Right? She'd die way too fast.

John: Yeeesssss . . .

Me: No, John, really. You need to stop looking for pictures of Megan Fox and finish defining your rules.

John: I am, Miss.

Me: Really?

John: Yes. Really. But I’m switching from Austria to Italy.

Me: You can’t. You don’t have time. Without defining your rules, contestants are the least of your worries. And you can’t just switch to a warmer climate so Megan Fox can be in a swim suit!

John: I’m not!

Me (slowly): You're sticking with Austria? Right?

John: Right. Yes. Okay.

Me: Okay. Then I'll leave you alone. It's fine.

John: No it’s not. You just gave me that look.

Me: Did not.

(George snorts.)

John: Yes, you did. You gave me THAT look.

Me: John, I most certainly do not have A look. Or THAT look. Or any particular look.

John: Yes, you do. See? George saw it.

George: Just put Megan Fox in a jumpsuit, John. She'll still look good.

John (pointing to me): See? THAT look right there!

Conundrums before coffee make me very . . . whatever.

(As students enter the room, Mike notices two shopping bags sitting on a desk.)

Mike: Miss, what’s in the bags?

Me: Dunno. Ms. Smith just dropped them off, so I thought it would be rude and disrespectful to look through them.

Mike: I know. That’s what I thought. But you know how some of these kids are; they might see those bags and just be rude and disrespectful anyway. So I was just thinking to myself what to say to them in the event someone decided to be rude and disrespecful. I would hate to have to face a huge conundrum, especially first thing in the morning.

Me (distracted): Um, glad you're thinking, Mike. . . . uh, wait. What? I'm sorry, Mike. Conundrum?

Mike (sighing heavily): You know, Miss. A huge controversy or problem or issue. You know, if I had to teach someone not to be rude and disrespectful. Especially first thing in the morning.

Me: Wow, Mike. Conundrum? Wow.

Mike: What, Miss? You don’t like my vocabulary?

Me: Um, no, I do. I really do. It’s very . . . what’s the word?

Mike: Extensive?

Me: Yes. That, too.

oic (smh)

(As I'm walking in the hallway during a planning period)

Dean of Discipline: Hey, Huth? Can you come in here for a sec?

Me: Sure.

DoD: So Katherine tells me she stayed after school with you last week to serve a detention she owed me . . .

Katherine (interrupting): . . . Well, I stayed with Miss Huth to finish some work, but I didn't tell her it was also a detention for you.

Me: Oh. But yes, she did stay for about an hour and a half last week.

DoD: But Katherine, you think this should also serve as a detention even though we didn't know this was your plan?

Katherine: Um, yes, I guess.

DoD: How about this? You stay with Miss Huth one more time this week, and we'll call it even.

Katherine: But I don't need to stay with her now. I'm all caught up on my work.

Me (nodding in agreement): Yup. True. Although it's fine if you want to stay with me anyway. We're working on a portfolio project right now, so she's been doing a lot of writing. And she's doing really well.

Katherine: Oh my goodness! So much writing! It's been two weeks! I'm going to get that carpal tunnel syndrome if we don't stop soon!

DoD (laughing): You won't get that from writing or from typing if you use proper technique. You will, however, get it from this (pantomimes texting on a phone).

Katherine: Oh, I don't do that much.

Me (preparing to leave): That's good.

Katherine: After all (pauses for full effect) I'm a writer, not a texter.

Me: I like that. And you're right.

Axe-wielding OD poppin' mom

Sometimes my students leave me notes on my white board. On the day I found this note, I must have been ranting about some thing or other.



This year I have a budding artist who enjoys drawing trees. He does these very quickly, usually in the last two minutes of class as I am distracted at the back of the room and the other students are packing up. I really like this and felt bad when I had to spritz it with rubbing alcohol.



I think my tree artist left this as well, but it might have been his friend. I'm not sure I understand the significance of my name and the scary axe-wielding character. Perhaps that's best.



I have one former student who, when she visits during a college break, says good bye by leaving me a nice note. Apparently Mackenzie finds me kinder and fuzzier than my tree artist does.

The facilitator needs more tissue.

Michelle: Miss? I really think I messed up my rough draft so I threw it away.

Me (horrified): What??!

Michelle: Oh, it's okay. Look. I did it over. And it's even longer.

Me: Oh. Phew. Okay then. I hate when you crumple things up (starting to walk away).

Michelle: No. Wait! I have a question!

Me: Okay. What's up?

Michelle: So I don't know how to organize this at all, and I think this project is just not gonna work. I have all these statistics about pregnancy and I just don't know where they go.

Me: We'll find a home for the statistics. Don't worry. It'll be fine.

(A voice from another part of the room)

Katrina: Miss Huth?

Me (to Michelle): Hang on a sec. I'll be right back to help you, okay?

Katrina: Miss? This is ugly.

Me: What? Your rough draft? It's supposed to be ugly.

Katrina: But it's REALLY ugly . . .

Me: It'll be fine. Don't worry. Just don't throw any of it away, okay?

Katrina (heavy sigh): Okay.

(Michelle is now engrossed in conversation with Samantha. I prepare to say something about how she should use her time wisely even if I can't help her right away but as I get closer . . . )

Samantha: . . . so I think if you start off by explaining that teen pregnancy is a significant problem, that will be a good place to use some of those statistics. And that will . . .

Michelle: . . . help my reader understand how important my point is! And it will make them interested in what I have to say!

Samantha: Right. And then, I think you should move your page three to page two.

Michelle (nodding vigorously): Yeah! I see. That makes sense. So then I'll save the solutions part for . . .

Samantha (looking up from Michelle's rough draft): What?

Me: Um, I dunno.

Michelle: Oh, come on, Miss. You know you want to say something.

(Samantha nods in agreement.)

Me (starting to sniffle and dab at pretend tears): Here I thought you were texting and you're actually working . . . It's just that it's so beautiful to see you two working together to solve a writing problem. Samantha, you just helped Michelle so much (choking up) and it's just . . . the way that . . . (sniffle dab) I'm sorry . . . English class is supposed to be . . . I mean . . . I've been waiting my whole career for this experience . . . I'm sorry but it's just so wonderful (dab dab dab sniff sniff).

Michelle (with a heavy sigh and an eye roll): Oh, Miss. Wow. Okay. You probably have someone else who needs help, right?

Me: Oh, I don't think anyone needs my help today. I think I'll just sit here and facilitate.